We Have Been Lied To!

Give Us This Day Our Dairy Moon

Scientists, mainstream media outlets, and the international cheese industry have long struggled to cover up what each of us inherently knows as truth - that the moon is not made out of “rocks” or “minerals” as some authorities claim, but out of a bacterially-altered dairy product that experts affectionately refer to as “green cheese.”

The moon and its material and chemical composition have long cast a shadow on the scientific community and its ability to responsibly investigate the universe we live in. When asked about this matter, many key scientists of the community have tended to oversimplify the equation, hypothesizing that, similar in composition to the earth, the moon is essentially composed of nothing more than rock strata, possibly broken off of some kind of asteroid deep in space. Recently revealed brand new evidence, however, has indicated an entirely different story.

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In ancient bovine mythology, a powerful figure was believed to be the source of all moons, new and old, good and evil. Ancient cow cave art depicts a giant longhorn giving birth to a giant calf, then creating the Milky Way to provide it with nurturing and sustenance. Where this giant calf ended up and what he or she eventually grew to be remains a mystery. But modern day researchers now believe that there may be more truth to this story than previously thought.

Universal astrophysicist and biologist Richard Dimburger, a leading proponent of the lunario formaggio theory, states in his new book, The Moon Rock Delusion: Evidence for a Cheese Moon, that the myths might not have been so wrong after all. “It turns out,” he says, “that our planet’s moon is just a piece of the Milky Way which broke off of the main body, contracted a rare strain of bacteria, and, at some point in time, turned into a solid green cheese.”

But with all these new facts, why does the majority of the world’s population still believe in the antiquated lunario petro theory - the one our parents and good old fashioned teachers taught us our entire lives? Who would have the most to lose if people began to find out the truth? The cheese industry, it turns out, may have more to it than meets the eye.

Nick Park, who explored this topic in his startling and groundbreaking documentary, Wallace and Gromit: A Grand Day Out, was contacted shortly after its release by a delegation of international cheese manufacturers. They gave him an ultimatum, stating their intent to cut off the supply of cheese from his leading actor - cheese enthusiast Wallace - if the documentary was released. Emergency cuts were made to the film, editing out essential sections, and the industry allowed it to be released - not as the fact-finding expedition that it was meant to be but as a ridiculous children’s comedy. But why would they do this?

What we believe to be an obscure “shadow” effect of the sun upon the moon’s surface when it wanes is actually due to the exhaustive mining practices of the cheese industry. The cheesy goodness that the moon is made of can only replenish itself once approximately every thirty days. With a multi-million dollar industry at stake, is it any wonder that so many innocent people are still being brainwashed to believe the archaic celestial rock fallacies that our forefathers held so dear?
 

Copyright Babbling Joe, The Public Rest Rooms, Idahoe. Or Somewhere.