We Have Been Lied To!

 Unidentified Fairy Ordeal

Botanical experts, horticulture enthusiasts, and other rationally thinking people have long doubted the existence of fairies at the bottom of the garden, but 34-year old Hilda Haderi, resident of Old Oaks, Ohio, would strongly disagree.

Hilda claims she was abducted by fairies while tending to her backyard plants one summer afternoon. She saw a bright light emanating from underneath one of her rose bushes and, when stooping to investigate, discovered that it was not a star or a weather balloon like she had originally thought. It was actually a tiny fairy craft fashioned from tree bark and leaves.

Paralyzed with fear, Hilda stared in horror as the minuscule vessel slowly rose and came to a halt, hovering inches in front of her nose. She could see tiny fairies looking at her from the windows, odd expressions on their faces, lacy wings buzzing behind them. Hilda tried to run but to no avail. The fairies caught up with her when she tripped on a garden hose, shrunk her down to a fraction of her regular size, and forced her to board their fairy ship.

On board the fairy craft, Hilda was approached by numerous fairy beings. They seemed fascinated by her sweater and jeans and amazed at the lack of wings protruding from her back. One of them pulled out a baton of some sort with a sparkling flash of light at its tip and began to wave it in the air. As it did this, Hilda found herself floating slowly and magnificently through the air, finally coming to rest on some kind of operating table in an adjacent room.

There, Hilda Haderi claims she was experimented on extensively by the fairies. Barely the size of a grasshopper, Hilda could not move as the fairies probed her with their wands, whispered sweet nothings into her ear, and forced her to snort fairy dust. “It was horrible,” Hilda says, fumbling with a tissue to blow her nose.

Once they were finished, the fairy kidnappers contacted Hilda’s relatives for ransom. In exchange for Hilda’s safe return, they demanded an assortment of herbs, two ringing bells, and a loaf of homemade bread. Hilda’s loved ones quickly complied, leaving the herbs, bells, and bread in a remote location of their backyard garden, specified by the fairy abductors. An hour later, Hilda appeared, locked in the guest bathroom, vomiting uncontrollably.

“It was an experience I’ll never forget,” Hilda insists. “There are many people out there that still don’t believe in fairies, but I know for a fact that they’re real.”

Hilda, still roughly the size of a small man’s hand, has her mother knit tiny clothes for her when her sweater and jeans get dirty. And she never goes out into the garden anymore.

“I know I may be the first to report a fairy abduction,” Hilda says, “but I certainly won’t be the last. It can take place in any backyard in the world, yours included.”

The interview on which this article is based was conducted entirely by telephone. The writer, a firm believer in the inherent goodness of humanity, has chosen to take the victim’s word about the alleged incident and has not done any fact checking. He believes that the truths contained therein are self-evident.

Have you checked the bottom of YOUR garden recently?

Copyright Babbling Joe, The Public Rest Rooms, Idahoe. Or Somewhere.