Botanical experts, horticulture
enthusiasts, and other rationally thinking people have long doubted
the existence of fairies at the bottom of the garden, but 34-year
old Hilda Haderi, resident of Old Oaks, Ohio, would strongly
Hilda claims she was abducted by fairies while tending to her
backyard plants one summer afternoon. She saw a bright light
emanating from underneath one of her rose bushes and, when stooping
to investigate, discovered that it was not a star or a weather
balloon like she had originally thought. It was actually a tiny
fairy craft fashioned from tree bark and leaves.
Paralyzed with fear, Hilda stared in horror as the minuscule vessel
slowly rose and came to a halt, hovering inches in front of her
nose. She could see tiny fairies looking at her from the windows,
odd expressions on their faces, lacy wings buzzing behind them.
Hilda tried to run but to no avail. The fairies caught up with her
when she tripped on a garden hose, shrunk her down to a fraction of
her regular size, and forced her to board their fairy ship.
On board the fairy craft, Hilda was approached by numerous fairy
beings. They seemed fascinated by her sweater and jeans and amazed
at the lack of wings protruding from her back. One of them pulled
out a baton of some sort with a sparkling flash of light at its tip
and began to wave it in the air. As it did this, Hilda found herself
floating slowly and magnificently through the air, finally coming to
rest on some kind of operating table in an adjacent room.
There, Hilda Haderi claims she was experimented on extensively by
the fairies. Barely the size of a grasshopper, Hilda could not move
as the fairies probed her with their wands, whispered sweet nothings
into her ear, and forced her to snort fairy dust. “It was horrible,”
Hilda says, fumbling with a tissue to blow her nose.
Once they were finished, the fairy kidnappers contacted Hilda’s
relatives for ransom. In exchange for Hilda’s safe return, they
demanded an assortment of herbs, two ringing bells, and a loaf of
homemade bread. Hilda’s loved ones quickly complied, leaving the
herbs, bells, and bread in a remote location of their backyard
garden, specified by the fairy abductors. An hour later, Hilda
appeared, locked in the guest bathroom, vomiting uncontrollably.
“It was an experience I’ll never forget,” Hilda insists. “There are
many people out there that still don’t believe in fairies, but I
know for a fact that they’re real.”
Hilda, still roughly the size of a small man’s hand, has her mother
knit tiny clothes for her when her sweater and jeans get dirty. And
she never goes out into the garden anymore.
“I know I may be the first to report a fairy abduction,” Hilda says,
“but I certainly won’t be the last. It can take place in any
backyard in the world, yours included.”
The interview on which this article is based was conducted entirely
by telephone. The writer, a firm believer in the inherent goodness
of humanity, has chosen to take the victim’s word about the alleged
incident and has not done any fact checking. He believes that the
truths contained therein are self-evident.
Have you checked the bottom of YOUR
Copyright Babbling Joe, The
Public Rest Rooms, Idahoe. Or Somewhere.