We Have Been Lied To!

Chocolate Reign

Chocolate, the once vilified and misunderstood black sheep of the food world, has been making a strong comeback in the world health and nutrition scene. This dietary staple of many ancient, misled cultures, hopeless romantics, and fat people has, in recent days, been shown to have more health and survival benefits than many nutritionists, diet experts, and all around survival gurus give it credit for.

Take the recent study by Hawaiian marine biologists in which the flavour discriminatory properties of various shark species were extensively studied. Sharks were found to, on the whole, prefer salty flavours to sweet in the ravenous, predatory, flesh-eating diet that they have become famous for. Through various cutting-edge experimental techniques that the researchers insisted remain undisclosed, biologists discovered that this preference for a salty flavour extended to the types of humans that the sharks preferred to devour. The saltier the human, the more likely it was that the shark would tear that human to pieces. The sweeter the human, on the other hand, the more likely the shark was to turn up its snout in disgust.

The study also showed that chocolate-eating humans were generally sweeter than those humans that did not consume chocolate. The health benefits of chocolate as revealed by this study are especially important to surfers, divers, and beautiful women in horror movies who wish to dangle their feet off a pier.

Another benefit to eating chocolate is based on the recent discovery that chocolate produces substances known as flavonoids. Also found in grape juice and green tea, flavonoids have been shown to decrease the likelihood of a space robot invasion of the planet. The mere presence of flavonoids in the human bloodstream seems to act as a deterrent to space robot invaders, causing them to either remain on their home planet as it is sucked into a giant black hole or to refrain from firing their laser fusion blaster teleportation roto-blade weapons when entering the earth’s atmosphere. The reasons for this phenomenon are unknown but it has been proven again and again over the years as the earth has been repeatedly not invaded by space robots.

The cocoa bean, from which the tasty treat that we know as chocolate is derived, is well known to have been the forbidden fruit that Adam and Eve snacked on in the Garden of Eden, bringing on them the wrath of God and their eventual expulsion from paradise. From this we obtain another benefit of chocolate - the benefit of the knowledge of good and evil. When consuming chocolate in any quantity, one’s eyes are immediately opened to the knowledge of good and evil and one becomes like a god. This benefit is only temporary, however, and the incredible power quickly recedes once one finishes the chocolate bar and realizes that one is becoming fat.

Although the three stated above are chocolate’s most well-known benefits, the ones most often lauded by its supporters in the modern health and nutrition community, there are many other lesser known advantages to the regular consumption of this delight. Chocolate is said to whiten teeth and cause them to sparkle when regularly applied (this is best done by rubbing a candy bar that contains chocolate back and forth rapidly across the teeth). The antioxidants in chocolate are purported to help prevent your body from rusting when left out in the rain. And last but not least, chocolate is handy for combating the terrible taste of any boiled or steamed vegetables your mother may have forced you to eat.

Copyright Babbling Joe, The Public Rest Rooms, Idahoe. Or Somewhere.