Chocolate, the once vilified and
misunderstood black sheep of the food world, has been making a
strong comeback in the world health and nutrition scene. This
dietary staple of many ancient, misled cultures, hopeless romantics,
and fat people has, in recent days, been shown to have more health
and survival benefits than many nutritionists, diet experts, and all
around survival gurus give it credit for.
Take the recent study by Hawaiian marine
biologists in which the flavour discriminatory properties of various
shark species were extensively studied. Sharks were found to, on the
whole, prefer salty flavours to sweet in the ravenous, predatory,
flesh-eating diet that they have become famous for. Through various
cutting-edge experimental techniques that the researchers insisted
remain undisclosed, biologists discovered that this preference for a
salty flavour extended to the types of humans that the sharks
preferred to devour. The saltier the human, the more likely it was
that the shark would tear that human to pieces. The sweeter the
human, on the other hand, the more likely the shark was to turn up
its snout in disgust.
The study also showed that chocolate-eating humans were generally
sweeter than those humans that did not consume chocolate. The health
benefits of chocolate as revealed by this study are especially
important to surfers, divers, and beautiful women in horror movies
who wish to dangle their feet off a pier.
Another benefit to eating chocolate is based on the recent discovery
that chocolate produces substances known as flavonoids. Also found
in grape juice and green tea, flavonoids have been shown to decrease
the likelihood of a space robot invasion of the planet. The mere
presence of flavonoids in the human bloodstream seems to act as a
deterrent to space robot invaders, causing them to either remain on
their home planet as it is sucked into a giant black hole or to
refrain from firing their laser fusion blaster teleportation roto-blade
weapons when entering the earth’s atmosphere. The reasons for this
phenomenon are unknown but it has been proven again and again over
the years as the earth has been repeatedly not invaded by space
robots.
The cocoa bean, from which the tasty treat that we know as chocolate
is derived, is well known to have been the forbidden fruit that Adam
and Eve snacked on in the Garden of Eden, bringing on them the wrath
of God and their eventual expulsion from paradise. From this we
obtain another benefit of chocolate - the benefit of the knowledge
of good and evil. When consuming chocolate in any quantity, one’s
eyes are immediately opened to the knowledge of good and evil and
one becomes like a god. This benefit is only temporary, however, and
the incredible power quickly recedes once one finishes the chocolate
bar and realizes that one is becoming fat.
Although the three stated above are chocolate’s most well-known
benefits, the ones most often lauded by its supporters in the modern
health and nutrition community, there are many other lesser known
advantages to the regular consumption of this delight. Chocolate is
said to whiten teeth and cause them to sparkle when regularly
applied (this is best done by rubbing a candy bar that contains
chocolate back and forth rapidly across the teeth). The antioxidants
in chocolate are purported to help prevent your body from rusting
when left out in the rain. And last but not least, chocolate is
handy for combating the terrible taste of any boiled or steamed
vegetables your mother may have forced you to eat.
Copyright Babbling Joe, The
Public Rest Rooms, Idahoe. Or Somewhere.