With the world in turmoil, nations
jockeying for the high ground in the race to be the next superpower,
economies tumbling and collapsing like bowling pins, and poverty
extending its cold reach across vast swaths of previously affluent
humankind, the question begs answering: Have aliens taken over the
governments of the world, or have they all just gone mad?
It turns out it’s the aliens.
The evidence for this is everywhere. From French President Nicolas
Sarkozy‘s weird name -a name of obvious extraterrestrial origin - to
United States President Barack Obama’s over-sized ears, aliens in
our planet’s governments are making their mark. Examples of this
abound. There is Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez’s decision to
change his country’s time zone by half an hour, obviously for the
sole purpose of getting better reception in calls back to his home
planet. There is Mexican President Felipe Calderon’s attempt to
eradicate rival alien species’, which he refers to as ‘drug lords’.
There is the Queen of England (no explanation needed). These cases
and more are mere pieces of a giant puzzle that proves indisputably
that aliens, not humans, are now in charge.
They landed years ago in an intergalactic starship known as G8, a
name they also bestowed on their annual summit meetings where they
all get back together and plan the next weird thing they’re going to
do. This fact alone should have set off alarm bells in the heads of
any rationally sane human, as the name ‘G8’ is obviously more
suitable to an intergalactic starship than a serious meeting of
actual human world leaders.
For many months after their arrival on planet Earth, these would-be
world leaders from different planets sat in their ship and learned
everything there is to know about humans by watching television.
When the time was right, they emerged and began the infiltration.
Taking over as world leaders was easy. They simply inserted a
cocktail of chemical compounds into the breakfast cereals of
responsible voters around the world - a cocktail that would make
these poor, unsuspecting pawns vote for them in the next election.
This was child’s play by alien technological standards and is why
breakfast cereals have so many weird ingredients like ‘xanthan gum,’
which was named for alien health and diet expert Xanthan Smoodle,
who first discovered it.
Although from the facts presented in this thesis you will agree that
it is obvious that aliens landed years ago and have taken over the
world’s governments, what is not so obvious is their hidden agenda.
Do they plan to harvest our body parts as children’s toys or will
they simply mine all our resources and leave what remains of
humankind to hunt squirrels with sharpened sticks? We simply don’t
know. Only one thing remains certain in this conspiratorial crisis
of epic proportions: we’ll need a race of powerful allies to get us
out of this mess. I recommend either unicorns or garden gnomes.
Copyright Babbling Joe, The
Public Rest Rooms, Idahoe. Or Somewhere.